My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
