I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
