Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
