Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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