they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
