My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
