So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Randomize
