fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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