Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
