I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
