genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
