Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
