Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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