Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
