Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
