i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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