this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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