so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
