i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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