Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
