i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
