He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
