I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
