I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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