My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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