2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Success! We fucked roommates!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
