Even the bartender felt bad for me
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
