dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize
