I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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