just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
How many fucks given?
0.12846
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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