Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
