My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
