According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
