the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
