Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
