oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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