The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
