is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
