Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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