I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
