Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
