your parents love me but you hate me
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
