omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
