We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
