How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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