So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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