We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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