Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
