oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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