imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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