is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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