new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
