Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
