The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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