The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
