I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I've blown a few things in my day
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
