Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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