I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
