My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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