Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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